I feel like my relationship to my sexuality is undergoing a fundamental change. It’s all fairly personal (well, minus gooey details), but hey, what’s LJ for?
It used to be that what turned me on was really simple, and I knew what it was. A bit of a certain activity and a certain aspect of attitude of my partner(s), real or fantasized, and I was set. I could put these elements together in a million different fantasizes. Getting turned on was easy. I’d always invoke this same fetish, but I didn’t need much variety.
My attitude toward sexuality has changed over the years (of course). When I was a teenager, I’d masturbate when I felt fat, or in spurts when I got good porn (each time collecting a bunch and then getting disgusted with it and throwing it all away). Later, I decided that masturbation was an act of self-love, and I loved to do it.
But now with the youtube knock-offs, decent porn is trivial to get, and I’m starting to worry that I burnt my fetish out. Somehow, recently after a dozen years, I’ve grown bored of it. The center has been eaten away, and I don’t know what I want anymore.
Good sex is pretty easy to get, but I don’t really want it. I oscillate between enjoying masturbation better than any sex, and wanting someone to make *love* to. I don’t expect sexuality to be easy, but the more I scratch my trusty itch, the less it works– but it’s still all I have.
I’ve looked around for other fetishes; I’ve tried a million fantasies; I’ve begged my sexuality to tell me what it wants. Nothing. Randomly, I’ll get horny in the middle of the day, but it dissipates when I try to track it down. I try to build up my sexual energy to a breaking point, and it breaks in my sleep and leaves me no more enlightened.
I’m sure this won’t last forever, so I’m trying to make the most out of the confusion.